It all started when our over-heralded star, Nanaya, woke up in a swamp. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally exasperated, Nanaya punched a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved penor was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Arcueid. Nanaya had known Arcueid for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Arcueid was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... abrasive. Nanaya called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Arcueid picked up to a very calm Nanaya. Arcueid calmly assured him that most legless puppies sigh before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually flamboyantly sneeze *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Nanaya. Why was Arcueid trying to distract Nanaya? Because she had snuck out from Nanaya's with the penor only four days prior. It was a eccentric little penor...
I once wrote a fanfic
It starred Potemayo
t didn't take long before Nanaya got back to the subject at hand: his penor. Arcueid sneezed. Relunctantly, Arcueid invited him over, assuring him they'd find the penor. Nanaya grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Arcueid realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the penor and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Nanaya took the tricked out go kart, she had take at least four minutes before Nanaya would get there. But if he took the Flying knife? Then Arcueid would be very screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Arcueid was interrupted by eleven stupid gerbils that were lured by her penor. Arcueid turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she recklessly reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and aimlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Flying knife rolling up. It was Nanaya.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, Nanaya was out of the Flying knife and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Arcueid's front door. Meanwhile inside, Arcueid was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the penor into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind her elephant. Arcueid was stunned but at least the penor was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Arcueid exotically purred. With a quick push, Nanaya opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish noble genius in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Arcueid assured him. Nanaya took a seat conveniently far from where Arcueid had hidden the penor. Arcueid shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Nanaya was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Arcueid noticed a insensitive look on Nanaya's face. Nanaya slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Arcueid felt a stabbing pain in her prostate when Nanaya asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the penor right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Nanaya's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Nanaya nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Arcueid could react, Nanaya carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The penor was plainly in view.
Nanaya stared at Arcueid for what what must've been four minutes. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Arcueid groped wildly in Nanaya's direction, clearly desperate. Nanaya grabbed the penor and bolted for the door. It was locked. Arcueid let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Nanaya,' she rebuked. Arcueid always had been a little oafish, so Nanaya knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Arcueid did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his penor tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Arcueid looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Nanaya. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Nanaya. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Arcueid walked over to the window and looked down. Nanaya was gone.
Just yonder, Nanaya was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Arcueid's place. Nanaya had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral gerbils suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the penor. One by one they latched on to Nanaya. Already weakened from his injury, Nanaya yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of gerbils running off with his penor.
But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored Nanaya's penor. Feeling displeased, God smote the gerbils for their injustice. Then He got in His amphibious vehicle and whizzed away with the fortitude of 20 long-haired sea monkeys running from a shrunken pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Nanaya flipped with joy when he saw this. His penor was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, CSI, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When spotted wolf hamsters meet rusty razor blade'). Nanaya was excited. And so, everyone except Arcueid and a few ebola-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.
ALMOST AS GOOD AS DOOM: REPERCUSSIONS OF EVIL
>>he gripped his penor tightly and made a dash toward the window
i'd like to see this in a doujinshi.
has anyone read this till the end?